Don’t wait for a why


There comes a point when it seems like sharing will help with the healing process.  Considering the fact that it took almost three years for me to express myself after my grandmother passed away, being only 9 months into my healing process for this particular life event, seems quite speedy.

Despite having a blog and sharing our story, sharing the deep parts of my soul are challenging for me.  It takes me a long time to build the trust to share what really makes me vulnerable, what really is part of me.  The reality is I don’t like feeling judged or being disliked, so I have a guard that I only let down for a select few.

This part of my story has been brought up three times now, since being in Cavaliere.  I find three to be a significant number.  Once something happens three times it seems like it’s no longer a coincidence, it becomes a sign, it takes on a more spiritual power.

Each time I hear a story of another person’s experience with it and the passing of a significant person in their life, I feel like my center is rocked, I suddenly lose my balance.  My wall becomes penetrated, the smile becomes difficult to maintain, I often force a laugh to hide the moisture building in my eyes.

I would like to think we are courageous and on a whim decided to live the life we imagined, but I must admit we are not.  We were faced with the fragility of life, the darkness.  The devil of time crept in and was what pushed us over the edge, to finally listen to our dreams.  But I pray to God, for each and everyone of you, you do not have to experience that to live your dreams.  I beg you to take courage and go for it now.  Trust me you don’t want to have a why.

When we were getting ready to leave on our journey abroad, we were working with a close family friend that is a guru in marketing and news stories.  She was trying to get our story of traveling abroad published in our local paper.  She kept saying, “It is a great story, but why?  Why now?”  I couldn’t possibly tell her or a random man from the newspaper.  The why is not what is important, its the living the dream that is important.

But I feel like I need to share the why.  The balance has tipped where it is bothering more to keep it in.  Can you tell I am stalling…

The greatest compliment I received was from one of my yoga students (in other words  she is my greatest teacher).  She said to the effect, “I had a feeling what was going on.  But I admired your way of not giving energy to it, of continuing on teaching as if nothing would stop you.”

She said it perfectly, not giving energy to it, which I fear with this long of a post is too much energy already.  But not giving energy to it is a lesson mostly learned from my grandmother, because when she got it, the it being breast cancer, she didn’t let it stop her for a second.  She was strong, confident and determined.  So when I had to have a second surgery for it, being melanoma, I took my approach from her.  Thank God for her and the lessons she taught me.

The day after my surgery I was in the classroom teaching and in the yoga studio teaching modified postures not moving my arm, which had over 40 sutures from where the melanoma was removed.  I wasn’t going to let the C-word over power my life.  To be honest I didn’t even tell my close friends and family until we knew we got everything and I was okay.  To me there is nothing shittier than calling and saying, “Hey, I have cancer,” for me personally and for the person on the other end of the line.

To top it off, two weeks after my second surgery, a family friend that I had grown up with passed away.  We weren’t incredibly close, I was much closer to his brother growing up, but it was enough to completely rock my world.

We are not guaranteed a certain amount of time in life.  We can’t predict our lifespan, we can plan to travel after retirement, but what about now?  What about living?  Yes, Jon and I had accomplished the American dream, with a nice home, in a nice neighborhood, with nice friends and good jobs.  But were we really living?

We wanted more, we needed more.  We wanted to experience life in a whole new way, expand our views.  Learn to live for living, not for money or the next new toy.  The calling to my soul to be in Europe has been there for years, but it became too strong to ignore.  Living internationally has been on our vision board since we were married.  We had been trying to find ways to live abroad for years.  But in a way I am thankful for the melanoma, because it seemed to give us that push that we needed to make it a reality.

The most amazing person in all of this has been my husband, supporting me through the tears, even the ones I try to hide from him.  He seems to know when I sneak away to cry alone in the bathroom.  Sensing my withdraw, peeking in to check on me, holding me or giving me space when I need it.  His strength, his love, his willingness to quit an amazing job he loved, so we can spend every second together possible.  He is an enormous blessing in my life.

And of course thank you to my soul sisters, soul brother, the people that are rocks in my life, you know who you are.  Thank you for being that support I needed, for your prayers and mostly for your love.

The moral of the story is not to wait for a why to follow your dreams.  Who cares!  Just go for it!  Be your own force of motivation or call on your close friends to push you and cheer you on to your dream.  The dream doesn’t have to be travel, let it be your own dream.  Don’t wait for the heart attack to start losing weight.  Don’t wait for diabetes to change your diet.  Don’t wait for your kids to grow up to spend time with them.  Make the changes you know in your soul you need to make, now!

The sense of security or fear is often what keeps us stuck, but security and fear are merely illusions.  Living your dream is so much more fulfilling.  So go, go, go for it!  You don’t want to wait for a why to follow your dreams or start living your life.



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